Relative harmony: how to have tough conversations in your family business

There are times when business owners need to talk through difficult issues with their team. When that team is also family, discussions can become even more challenging.

Typically, we struggle with conversations that contain these three tensions: opposing opinions, strong emotions and high stakes.[1]

However, avoiding conflict is rarely a successful strategy. Studies show that most people underestimate the benefits of having tough, frank discussions – and overestimate the risks.[2] Some say you can measure the health of a relationship by the length of time between a problem getting identified and getting resolved.[3]

We discuss nine ways to have more productive workplace conversations. Because when everyone is working together effectively, your family-owned business can become an unassailable force.

1. Clarify your objectives

Tough conversations need to be planned. Clarify what the issue is and the outcome you want.

Ask yourself:

• In a sentence, what is the problem I’d like to fix?
• How might I have contributed to the problem?
• What does ‘fixed’ look like?
• What changes need to be made to achieve this?

Knowing what you want and planning your talking points before speaking to the others will help you to stay on track and identify strategies that work for everyone.

2. Agree a framework for the conversation

Once you’ve sat down with your family member, outline what you’d like to speak about straight up. Agree on a framework for how you’ll both approach the conversation before you dive into the detail.

Although it’s important to have thought about how you’d like the problem fixed, brainstorming solutions collaboratively will strengthen the solution and get stronger buy-in from the other person.

Bigger concerns may take more than one conversation to resolve. The other person might also ask for time to think about the issue. So be realistic about how much you can achieve in one meeting.

3. Be compassionate

Consider how you can demonstrate your good intent towards the other person and help them to feel safe and comfortable.  

Avoid controlling the conversation and interrupting. Show humility and avoid definitive phrases like “the fact is” and “everyone knows”.[4]   

If the other person becomes hurt or angry, acknowledge their feelings without getting defensive.[5]

If they’re reluctant to open up, you may need to guess what they are thinking and how they are feeling and put that into words for them to respond to.

4. Be curious

When we’re genuinely curious about the other person’s perspective, they’ll often become less defensive.[6]

Ask open-ended questions and get all the relevant information out on the table. This means creating space in the conversation for the other person to speak. If you’ve listened well, you’ll be better informed when you discuss solutions.

5. Prioritise active listening

When we’re in the thick of a difficult conversation, we tend to think about what we want to say next rather than listening to understand the other person.

If the other person feels truly heard, they will be more open to listening to what you’re trying to say and they’ll be more invested in finding a solution. You’ll also avoid misunderstandings.

So, be an active listener. Paraphrase the point the other person is making before you put your point forward. You can start by saying, “Let’s see if I’ve got this right…”[7]

6. Take feedback on board

If the other person provides you with feedback that’s hard to receive, then use the CURE approach from the book Crucial Conversations:[8]

• Collect yourself. Pause and take a deep breath, because sometimes feedback can feel like a personal attack.
• Understand. Ask questions and ask for examples. Assume that the person giving you the feedback has your best interests in mind.
• Recover. If you find it hard to manage your feelings, ask for a pause and take time to process the feedback.
• Engage. Let the other person know what you accept from the feedback and apologise when appropriate.  

7. Seek help when you need it

Despite your best efforts, there may be times when you’re unable to move a conversation forward. That’s when bringing in an independent facilitator with experience in family business dynamics can help. An expert outsider can provide fresh perspectives, diffuse emotions, find common ground and mediate solutions.

8. Commit to shared accountability

When you and the other person have openly stated the problem, listened to each other and have found a solution, then it’s important to commit to an action plan.

Document the next steps, including who does what and by when. Follow up to keep everyone accountable.

9. See conflict as a positive

Although conflict can be uncomfortable, holding back your honest concerns to keep an artificial peace can make problems fester. Teams can then become dysfunctional.[9]

However, when issues are discussed openly, your team can move towards solutions. Patrick Lencioni, author of seminal books on workplace effectiveness, notes that: “fear of conflict is almost always a sign of problems,” and “when there is trust, conflict becomes nothing but the pursuit of truth, an attempt to find the best possible answer.”[10]   

If you or your team members tend to retreat from healthy debate, then a regular meeting where sensitive topics can be discussed in a professional way can help to move your business forward.

How ANZ Private can help

Drawing on our deep experience and strong, long-term client relationships, ANZ Private provides a range of specialised services to family-owned businesses.

Learn more [CW1] about how we work with family businesses.

Important Information:

ANZ Private Bankers are representatives of Australia and New Zealand Banking Group Limited ABN 11 005 357 522 (ANZ), the holder of an Australian Financial Services Licence.

The information provided is general in nature only and does not take into account any person’s personal objectives, financial situation or needs. Please consider its appropriateness to you before making any investment decisions.

ANZ Commercial provides banking products and services to more than 600,000 businesses, as well as high net-worth private banking clients across Australia. ANZ aims to be the leading bank for Australian businesses looking to start, run or grow their business, and the private bank of choice for multi-generational families.